What on earth just happened?
There you are... again. You thought this was going to be an easy conversation but it has turned into a real nightmare and you don’t quite know how you got there. You had the best intentions and you knew exactly what you were going to say. But you don’t feel that your partner listened to what you just said and his response was really odd; you felt really irritated by this and you ended up arguing. Or your daughter completely misinterpreted what you said about hoping that everyone at home would clean up the working surface after making food; the conversation went off the rails while you were trying to get your point across, resulting in both of you being angry and her walking out. And your colleague got really upset with you when you asked her to finish that document so you could get on with your part of the project, and she’s sitting at her desk now and you can see that she’s holding back the tears. And then your neighbour came to the door complaining about where you had parked the car, and you felt really disgruntled and grumpy at the end of that conversation.
And at the end of all of that you think: ‘What on earth just happened?’
Conversations getting out of hand
Every day you might have conversations that either get out of hand, or have the possibility to do so. No matter how much you think that you are clear about what you are saying, the fact that you are dealing with other people and not just yourself creates opportunities for communication to go wrong.
- How many times do you not feel heard, but misunderstood or judged in conversations with other people?
- How many times did you catch yourself thinking: ‘Why did I just say that?’
- Thinking back on the conversations you had today or yesterday: was everything you said constructive, empathic and honest?
- And at the end of those conversations, did you feel frustrated or empowered?
- Did you manage to create a situation which made it possible to really connect with each other and work towards resolving a conflict?
- Did both parties in the conversation feel not just heard but also understood, with a positive outcome to the interaction?
That conversation with yourself in your head...
And even without saying anything to anyone, what about that conversation you are having with yourself in your head where you talk yourself down, telling yourself that you are not good enough? Are you really forgiving yourself, or judging yourself for what you have done or said? Are you able to stop yourself from putting blame on your own plate, telling yourself you got it wrong and that you’re not worth it?
Easy communication
Most of us find it much easier and more satisfying to communicate with other people when we feel good, happy, and positive. And usually we feel good when we know what is going on, when we feel understood, valued (by ourselves and others), and connected. So it is important to be in that good place within ourselves as much as we can. This will not only benefit yourself but the other person as well.
We are in communication with ourselves and with others for the best part of 24 hours per day, to a certain extent even when we sleep. Good communication skills are not things you are born with but that you learn and develop, and I work with people who want to understand why and how communication goes wrong and how to make it right.
Learning about internal and external communication
During my many years of working with clients, both as a massage therapist as well as a personal development coach, I have worked with the concepts of Transactional Analysis and Non-violent Communication, as well as various other models of Communication. These provide very useful tools to help understand what happens inside of us before one word even leaves our mouths. It is this awareness of our own internal processes of communication that help define the outcome of our communication with other people.
Exploring these concepts can help explain what is happening, and these concepts can offers you practical advice on how to increase your awareness of yourself and improve your contribution to conversations in order to work towards a situation in which you truly connect with the other person with empathy, honesty and understanding. It is your awareness, understanding and self-empathy that define how you respond to other people and whether your conversations with them are destructive or constructive. We all have a need to be heard and for our needs to be met; both parties in the conversation will feel most empowered when they have really heard each other and communicate based on what they have in common, instead of what separates them.
I’d love to explore with you how you communicate, so please do get in touch if you want to increase your understanding of how you can improve your communication, both with yourself as well as with others.