‘Not being heard’ vs. ‘Not feeling heard’
There is a distinct difference between ‘not being heard’ and ‘not feeling heard’.
If you were to say ‘I’m not being heard’, you indicate that the person you are talking to is doing something, the act of ‘not hearing you’.
If you were to say ‘I’m not feeling heard’, then you are expressing your own experience, regardless of what the other person might do.
It is important to understand this difference as it influences how you might respond in a conversation.
‘Not FEELING heard’
For example, when I don’t feel heard, it doesn’t always mean that the other person isn’t listening to me - they might be listening, or they might not. And even if the other person ís listening, I might still have a feeling that I’m not being heard. If this is the case, it would be completely be my responsibility to deal with with how I feel - there is no space for making an assumption or blaming the other person.
If I don’t feel heard, I could choose from a long list of possible responses, many of which are unlikely to help the situation - going blank, getting frustrated, being angry, etc.
What to do when not feeling heard?
One constructive way to maybe deal with this situation is checking with the other person whether they have heard or understood what I said or was trying to say. When doing this, it might feel a bit strange to start with, but it would really help clarify whether your response – ‘not feeling heard’ most likely creating some sort of negative emotion – is actually appropriate to the situation.
‘Not BEING heard’
In other situations there might be a clear indicator that you are actually really not being heard. When you are talking, what is the other person doing? Looking at a phone? Writing a shopping list? Watching tv?
You can often tell by the other person’s response whether what you said was actually heard. Maybe you are being interrupted? Or the other person’s response might be ‘off’... e.g. not quite answering your question, or only responding to the first half of what you said. Or there might be silence, or a ‘sorry, what did you say?’ answer.
What to do when not being heard?
A good way to deal with situations like this is similar to what I described earlier: checking out with the other person what they heard. In addition, for example in cases where you are interrupted, you could also wait for the other person to finish talking, and instead of ‘Please don’t interrupt me’ say something like: ‘Would you be willing to let me finish my thought before you begin speaking?’
To get a different outcome you have to take a different approach
If you would like to change the outcome of a conversation, you might have to try different things until you find something that works for you. But the important thing is that you step back, take time to think and feel, and choose your next response, become aware of your own body language, and decide on the next words to use.
Remember: ‘If you keep doing what you always did, you’ll keep getting what you always got.’ And if that is not what you want, you might have to be the first person to make a change to your communication.