Violent self-talk

Nelson Mandela said:

‘I never lose. I either win or learn.’

Unfortunately this approach is not something that we generally have learned to take on when evaluating, and according to Marshall Rosenberg (Nonviolent Communication) the way we talk to ourselves is promoting more self-hatred than learning.

There are many ‘violent’ ways to speak to ourselves, and some of the following sentences might sound just too familiar:

‘That wasn’t very kind of me.’

‘What’s wrong with me!!!’

‘That was a selfish thing to do...’

‘I messed up again.’

‘I’m stupid.’

As humans we have learned to think in ‘right or wrong’ and ‘good or bad’. We focus on our limitations instead of our growth, and in doing so we keep ourselves boxed in.

Instead of seeing everything that happens as a learning opportunity, we seem to have developed an in-built level of self-punishment, and this kind of negative self-talk full of shame and quilt implies that we believe on some unconscious level that we deserve to suffer for what we have done or not done, achieved or not achieved, said or not said.

As a result of this shame and guilt we change our behaviour, and our growing and learning becomes fuelled by negative thoughts about ourselves. And even if we show the best of our intentions to the world and our immediate surroundings, if there is an undercurrent of shame and guilt behind what we do, people might be aware.

And, as Marshall Rosenberg put it into words so wonderfully:

‘Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.’

One of the strongest words to put ourselves down with is ‘should’, or ‘shouldn’t’ in its negative form.

With this word we power up our internal shame and guilt level. Two of the most used sentences are probably:

- ‘I should have known better.’

- ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

The word ‘should’ implies that there is no choice, which, as we have seen, is the opposite of autonomy.

Other ways that stops us from making autonomous choices are phrases like:

‘I must do something about that.’

‘I really have to exercise more.’

When our inner conversation includes these words and phrases, we dictate ourselves that we have to follow these inner rules and demands, and continue to be slaves to our script beliefs.

What would happen if you changed your inner dialogue from shame, guilt and other judgements, to a language of choice? Imagine the power of re-phrasing your ‘should’s’, ‘must’s’ and ‘have to’s’ to something like:

‘I choose to .... because I want...’

For example:

‘I choose to exercise more, because I want to feel fitter.’

‘I choose to respond more positively next time, because I want to be kinder to myself.’

This is compassionate self-talk from the Adult ego state, allowing space for an increase of autonomy.

I’d like to share one of my life motto’s with you, which is:

NO SHOULD’s, NO GUILT.

I keep reminding myself that I don’t have to tell myself that I should or shouldn’t do something. Also, I choose not to go along with being told by other people what I should or shouldn’t do. I choose to feel quilt-free about this, as guilt is not a place in myself I want to operate from.

And equally important, it is my choice to not tell people that they should or shouldn’t do something.

Is there anything you feel you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing? What would that be if you rephrased it into: ‘I choose to... because...’?
Let me know in the comments what your ‘should’ and your rephrase are.