What DIDN'T you say?
Have you ever said something in words, but at the same time there might have been a thought related to it that didn’t actually get express in words?
Or… someone said something to you, but you realised that the other person didn’t actually really say what you think they really thought?
There is something called an ULTERIOR TRANSACTION, which happens when two messages are ‘given’ at the same time.
The first message is on a social level, and this is the actual verbal message. Let’s assume that both people in the following example are behaving very clear and adult-like:
James says: ‘Do you know where the car keys are?’
Mary says: ‘They are on the working surface in the kitchen.
Social vs. Psychological level communication
On a superficial level, this looks like drama-free adult communication (clear question, clear answer), which happened on a social level.
However, if I was to read this in a different tone of voice the second message, the underlying ulterior transaction, could be on a secret psychological level:
In the same example:
James (in aggressive, low voice, dropping tone at the end of the sentence): ‘Do you know where the car keys are?’
Mary (shaking, avoiding eye contact, softly spoken): ‘They are on the working surface in the kitchen.’
The psychological level of messages can be very different from the social, seemingly adult-like communication. The messages (e.g. thoughts or beliefs) that are not expressed in words here could be something like this:
James: ‘Why do you never put them where I can find them?’ which is coming from a more critical ‘parental’ part of James.
Mary: ‘I can never get anything right’, which is coming from a more child-like part of Mary.
ULTERIOR COMMUNICATION
This is called an ulterior transaction: when the underlying message is different from what is actually said verbally. The psychological level of ulterior communication happens outside of the words that are actually spoken.
The behavioural outcome of ulterior communication is determined at the psychological and not at the social level.
Eric Berne, who developed Transactional Analysis (a form of psychotherapy) suggested that the outcome of the conversation is always based on the secret messages. So if you want to understand communication and behaviour then you have to pay attention to the psychological level of communication.
In actual reality, all communication has social and psychological level of messages, but it’s only called ulterior when the messages on these two levels don’t match.
This means that you need to observe your own and other people’s non-verbal cues. These non-verbal cues are in the body language and tone of voice. Once you understand what to look out for, these secret psychological messages will not be so secret anymore.
NON-VERBAL CUES to look out for:
There will be all kinds of non-verbal cues for you to ‘read’ and observe.
For example:
- is the tone of voice different from what you would perceive as ‘normal’?
- look at someone’s eyes: are they squinted, or are there dilated pupils?
- what body posture do you notice?
- is there any muscle tension?
- what are the facial expressions like?
- are you or is the other person sweating?
- what gestures are made?
- is there a change to the breathing pattern?
RE-TRAIN YOURSELF in observing body language
Where children are very likely to pick up on these non-verbal cues instinctively, as adults we have learned not to notice these things. Sometimes this is the result of being told that it’s not polite to look or stare at people.
If you really want to understand any type of communication, then you need to re-train yourself in picking up on these non-verbal cues again, and be aware of the ‘secret’ psychological messages as well as the actual words that are spoken. At the same time it is also important to be aware of the non-verbal cues that you give out to other people.
I invite you to pay attention to the next conversation you have with someone…. What is NOT being said, either by you or the other person? Please share in the comments below what kind of things you have picked up on when you ‘uncover the secrets’ when speaking to people.
If you’d like to know more about this and have a chat, feel free to book a free 30 minute session with me: https://calendly.com/rennyslade/30-minute-connection-call . I look forward to speaking with you.
Have a great week,
Renny