Self-reflection on perfectionism, and un-learning things

A few weeks ago, my mum and I were messaging and she asked me if I was ready for a big event I was about to run.

And I responded: "Well, I'm as ready as I can be with everything that I can get done before 7pm on Monday night. It doesn't have to be perfect." And then she said: "It really doesn't have to be perfect, but that's not what you're like, right?"

And I just sat with that for a little bit and I just thought: "Wow... that's quite a statement, and for a long time that was probably more true than it is for me now.”

And, so I responded to her and I said: "Well, it doesn't have to be perfect. I've come a long way."

And then I was just quiet with that a little bit more and I just let that really sink in, The words that I was using: 
"I’ve come a long way…"
What did that mean? Did I gain something or did I let go of something? I guess it's both.
I let go of this idea that I have to be perfect.
And I gained what is probably more freedom, and compassion.

Childhood memory of ‘achieving perfection’
I remember when I was 12, and in The Netherlands that was the first year of senior school. We had this kind of whole school event where every class had to do particular presentation on a subject. There was a girl called Fiona in my class, and she and I had to do some sort of slide show and have some commentary over the top. This is all before smart phones and computers and we had a simple tape recorder that we had to record our voices on, and we had to play that alongside our slide projector, projecting on the white screen. She came over to my house and we recorded what we had to say, taking turns. After she’d left I listened back, and I was not happy… I was not happy with what she'd done. I just thought I could do it better. So, I’m not proud to say that I re-recorded the whole thing with only my voice. And I told her that something had gone wrong with the recording, and I had to do it again because there wasn't enough time for her to come to my house again for us to redo it together.

I've never forgotten it because I felt quite bad. But I also couldn't admit that I thought I was better at it than she was and I was a bit worried about using the tape with both of us, narrating. And it's interesting because I'm now 40 years older and I still remember it… I can still recall what I did, I can still recall how I felt…

'‘Perfection’ in the here and now
When I was chatting with my mum I could see how far I've come over the years, and how much of that perfectionism I've let go off. I’ve reached a place where I know that done is better than perfect.
That doesn't mean this perfectionism streak doesn't pop up. And it doesn't mean that I haven't got to work on dealing with it.

But I guess I've gotten a lot better at dealing with it.

And I've gotten a lot better at not saying anything when people do things in a different way from me.

I've gotten a lot better at understanding that there's more than one way to get something done.

How did I get to develop this ‘perfectionism’?

I've also gotten a lot better at understanding how I got to be like that: growing up in a situation where I felt it was never quite good enough, and how to do things better. And there was some sort of standard that I never quite seem to make. I never quite seem to reach the level of whatever I had to do to feel that I belonged and that I was accepted.

I've also gotten a lot better at understanding that that's nobody's fault. My parents grew up the way they grew up, and they learn what they learned, and they got the messages from their family and the important adults in their lives. Because a lot of what we do and say and believe and feel is learned behavior, and a lot of it is not autonomous at all. It's some sort of autopilot that happens, and we're often not even aware of it.

I’ve learned to have compassion.
For myself, as I can now see why my childhood was the way it was, and how I ended up developing certain behaviour, thoughts and emotions. I also learned to have compassion for my parents in particular - like me, they are also the result of the situation they grew up in: in an occupied country and the post-war era.

We all bring our baggage into our ‘here and now’, our relationships and connections. And I might not know exactly what has happened in someone’s life, but I can go relatively safely on the assumption that every person has learned things that – in an ideal situation – might need un-learning, just like I have a lot of un-learning to do.

My True Self isn’t about perfectionism, and to really end up expressing my True Self, it think it is mostly about un-covering what’s always been there underneath what I’ve learned.

I invite you to think about what you would like to un-learn, and I’d love to hear your reflections.