Self-Mastery through the Success of ‘Failing’
Today, I celebrate the first anniversary of ‘failing’ an assessment which meant the world to me to pass. It was what I had worked towards for years, it was my goal to become a ‘Master’ in my professional career. It was the ultimate goal within my ‘professional tribe’.
I didn’t pass.
My world fell apart. I think back to that day and don’t know how I would have coped if it hadn’t been for my dear friend and buddy Yvonne, who was there with me and for me all day, who lend me her onesie for the evening, cooked me some food (which I don’t remember eating) and put me up for the night as I wasn’t ready to go home until the next day. I cried for three weeks. I barely left the house. I was incapable of talking to my husband, family and friends about it, and I am blessed with all of them giving me the time to process my defeat until I was ready to open up about the intense pain I felt. Not passing this assessment hit me on a very deep level; it fed straight into my internal belief systems of ‘not being good enough’, ‘not having tried hard enough’, ‘not being perfect’, and I retreated into self-doubt and a lack of confidence and self-worth. My hurt ‘inner child’ was having a field day and wallowed ‘happily’ in the misery of the whole situation.
Three weeks after my assessment I was booked to go to a professional gathering; three days with my colleagues on a residential course, all of whom who knew or would find out that I failed this ultimate Master’s assessment and would know that I wasn’t worthy of the Holy Grail. I didn’t know how to picture myself being okay being in the same room with them for three long days of training and further professional development.
Luckily, I was due to go to a reunion with some of my dearest friends, which preceeded my course. I spend a wonderful weekend talking to and laughing with my friends, balling my eyes out many times, going for walks and having great food, and slowly I became aware of a shift inside of me. These were my friends, they loved me and valued me being there, they appreciated me for who I was even in my darkest moments. And what dawned on me was that had this feeling that I belonged. I was in the right place at the right time with the right people, and I was meant to be there to experience that I am totally okay, just as I am.
I can’t tell you what a revelation that was… despite having ‘belonged’ to groups all my life (family, classes in school, sports teams, professional groups, friendship groups), I had still always felt on the outskirts of it all. Don’t get me wrong: I had a very functional family life and a great career and I knew that there were people who envied what I had (as they had told me so). But I am talking about those inner feelings and belief systems which weren’t quite aligned with where I always said I wanted my life to end up: me in a state of utter bliss and happiness. Despite my ‘successful’ life, I didn’t actually really believe that I was worthy of this happiness and I realised that, because of this deep-rooted belief, I was putting up many barriers that stopped me from achieving my most ultimate goal of just being happy and content.
I talked this revelation through with my friends, and I heard myself say that I was actualy okay with not being ‘Master’ in my profession, that it didn’t actually mean anything to me at that moment in time, and also that I didn’t want to become a Master anymore.
And it was in that moment that I found myself.
I connected with the me who doesn’t need other people’s approval and opinions to feel good about myself. I connected with the awareness that ‘I am enough’ no matter where I am in my personal and professional development. I connected with an appreciation for everything I had already learned on my journey to feeling a greater fulfilment, and was looking forward to learning more.
It has been an interesting year since 11 October 2015. I have cried many more tears, encountered many more ‘inner demons’ and made mistakes, felt useless and incapable and have thought all kinds of negative things about myself and my life. I have found the courage this year to be okay with all of that, as I am not my thoughts; I am so much more than what I have learned to belief about myself. I create time and space in every day to counteract these old self-limiting beliefs and to keep travelling in the direction of realising my most ultimate goal of being happy. I am enjoying experiencing the positive knock-on effect on my lovely family and friendships. My professional life is now developing in an exciting new direction as I have finally come to the conclusion that it is okay to ‘let my light shine’ and (with the words of Marianne Williamson) through that ‘automatically give other people permission to let their light shine as well’. I would like to inspire people to think that change is possible on every level, and I am allowing myself to feel that I know enough to coach people who want to unfold their own biggest vision for life and help them align their belief systems with their most ultimate goals.
So I have found Mastery after all. Because I now truly understand and feel the meaning of the last two sentences of the poem ‘Invictus’ by William Ernest Henley:
‘I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.’
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